


Grieving

by kiwilicious



Category: King of Scars - Fandom
Genre: Book 1: King of Scars Spoilers, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Book 1: King of Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26591824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiwilicious/pseuds/kiwilicious
Summary: SPOILERS FOR KING OF SCARS:Nina finds herself in a complicated position. Working in Commander Brum's home, conspiring with his daughter, and spying for her country, she's struggling with one big distraction: a blooming crush on her sworn enemy's daughter. Nina must cope with her grief for Matthias while wondering if this path she's on is a righteous one.
Relationships: Hanne Brum/Nina Zenik
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Grieving

Nina tried to make out the message from the Fjerdan missive she intercepted from Commander Brum, but her eyes kept wandering across the table to Hanne, who was studying from a paper of Zemeni vocabulary words. They were still trying to keep up the appearances of harmless Enke Jandersdat helping poor misguided Hanne, but right now, Nina's own distractions were betraying her. Hanne's hair had grown out from her improvised military haircut and now it began to curl down around her chin, which drew attention to her jawline. Nina often found herself tracing Hanne's features with her eyes, and her mind began to think of other things besides military strategy. 

"Nina?" Suddenly Hanne was looking at her.

"Hmm? Yes?" Nina sat upright and pulled the pen out of her mouth, suddenly aware she had been chewing on it. _Am I blushing? This is not good._

"Can you look at these sentences and see if I did them right?" Hanne either seemed blissfully unaware of Nina's staring, or she was gracious enough not to mention it. 

"Of course! Of course." Nina started to reach out to take the paper but was startled when Hanne slid her chair over and was suddenly sitting shoulder to shoulder with her. She steadied her breath and began reading. 

"I wasn't sure how to conjugate some of these, so I guessed at a few," Hanne said with a laugh.

"They're mostly right, but these two words need to be switched. Try to remember that it tends to sound backwards to a Fjerdan tongue, but it makes sense to a native Zemeni ear." Nina was keeping her voice even, but to her it sounded insane. 

_Saints, she's corporalki, she can probably feel my heart racing from here. If only I could still slow it myself. You're so pathetic, Zenik._

Hanne looked up and met her gaze with her stunning copper eyes. "Can I ask you something?"

 _Here it is. She knows._ "Anything."

"How would you conjugate the words 'to kiss'?"

"Why?" Nina barely got the word out before Hanne's lips were on hers. Nina felt a near magnetic pull between their chests and gasped. Her thoughts were racing, and the more she thought about pulling away, the more she was kissing back. After a moment Hanne pulled away and opened her eyes, and her elated expression suddenly dropped to concerned and guilty. Nina opened her eyes and realized she was crying.

"I'm so sorry, Nina, that was so presumptuous of me," Hanne said as slid away from her. "I thought that I understood, but . . . "

Nina took a second to wipe away her tears. "No, it's alright, I just . . . would you excuse me for a second?" 

Hanne looked at her sadly before looking back down at her assignment, and Nina stood up and left the room. She made her way down the hallway and into the restroom and locked the door behind her. As soon as the latch clicked the tears came full force, and she leaned her back against the wall and slid down.

"I'm so sorry," she wheezed out between sobs. "I'm so sorry. What have I been doing here? You would hate me all over again." She hugged her knees tight to her chest. "I don't deserve happiness after what I've done. I've been so awful."

_She makes you happy?_

Nina lifted her head towards the ceiling at the sound of a voice she hadn't heard in months.

"Are you really there? Or am I'm just imagining it to rationalize my actions?"

_Does it matter?_

She laughed and shook her head. "I guess not." 

_It's okay to care for her, my love._

"How can you say that? I love you so much." Nina shook her head and rested her forehead on her knees. "I'm being unfaithful by thinking this way. It's wrong. You deserve better." 

_I want you to be happy, Nina. I don't want you to be miserable about me forever._

"It's not just her, it's everything I've been doing." She looked at the door and slid her legs out flat. "Spying on Brum, abusing my power, killing people, it's all despicable. Although being infatuated with the daughter of the exterminator of my people is a new low."

_I wanted you to show them mercy, and your love is the highest kind of mercy. Don't be so hard on yourself._

She sadly smiled to herself. "I could love anybody and I picked two Fjerdans. I'm the worst Ravkan ever." 

_Or the kindest._

Nina closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. "I love you so much, Matthias. I always will. This I promise."

_I love you too, little red bird. I always will._

"Goodbye," she whispered. 

Only silence answered. Nina sighed and stood up, brushing off her skirt and wiping her eyes. She opened the door and slowly walked back to the room. The door was still open and she peeked in to see Hanne still writing. She set down her pen and rested her head in her hands. Nina entered and put her hand on Hanne's shoulder, who looked up, startled. 

"I'm so sorry Nina," Hanne said, standing up. "Please don't be upset with me. Sometimes I don't think about what I'm doing."

"Hanne," Nina said while grabbing her hand. "It's alright. I had some time to think about it. I do care for you a lot, and you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I also miss my husband so much, and I still love him. Both these things are true."

Hanne dropped her gaze. "I understand." Nina tilted her chin back up. "I never meant to-"

Nina cut her off by gently kissing her, their lips connected by the slightest touch. She pulled away from the kiss and leaned her forehead against Hanne's.

"He would want me to move on, and be happy. Saints, it's going to be so hard, and if you don't want to deal with me grieving I understand." Nina took a step back and grabbed her hand. "I'm sorry for making everything so complicated. I assure you, it's my specialty."

"I understand," Hanne tilted her head and smiled softly. "I've done a lot of complicated things for your sake. And I would never want to rush you into something."

Nina looked up at Hanne and giggled. "Could you imagine your dad finding out you're messing around with me? A Grisha, a Ravkan, an enemy of the state, and also a girl. I would love to see the look on his face."

"Sometimes when I feel down, I think to myself that I can always disappoint my father more," Hanne replied with a laugh. "It'll be hard to top this one though, honestly." 

"Give me some time, I'm sure we'll think of something," Nina said, sitting down at the

**Author's Note:**

> I think Nina's process of grieving Matthias has been an interesting one, and I look forward to seeing her try to move on from her own guilt. I think Nina is a very deep character and I wanted to explore that.


End file.
